New Year

A new year starts tomorrow. This is the first New year in the past 3 that we won't welcome a new child into our lives. 3 years ago I was pregnant with Emma and still blissfully unaware of her diagnosis, 2 years ago I was carrying Connor and last year we were awaiting Wyatt's finalization. This year I have to admit I am a little saddened by the idea that nothing like this will happen. I think it is made even stronger by the possibility that I will need a hysterectomy in the coming months. I know the pregnancy and I have not had the best relationship. After a miscarriage and 2 babies with fatal defects, you think I would never want to be pregnant again. But, the truth is I love being pregnant. I love carrying a child, feeling them move, experiencing emotions you never imagined could exist. If every woman had a pregnancy like the one I had with Anna I think they would all feel this way! I realize that the likely hood of me ever carrying a healthy child is very small, but at least that little thought is still there. With a hysterectomy there is no chance. No baby, no pregnancy, no chance. Sometimes I feel like I must be a little crazy because I actually think maybe I could carry another child to term, even if they were sick, at least I could feel that love. I know it is silly, but I can't tell you the emotions that come with the idea of not being able to conceive. Not being able to carry a baby. Not being able to give a child life, no matter how brief. It really makes me feel for those who have had trouble getting pregnant, carrying babies and feeling that realm of emotions. But, I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself. Maybe this year my tests will come back normal and the hysterectomy can wait. Maybe something will change T.J.'s mind and we will welcome a new baby someday. For all I know someday in the next 5-10 years they will find a way to stop Anencephaly from happening and I can have a healthy baby. The thing I do like about the new year is the idea that you have no idea what will happen. As much as I may not like it, we also have no control over what will happen. The best we can do is love the ones we have and hold them close. I can look forward to having a big boy and a big girl who will start Kindergarten and preschool next fall and bring me joy everyday. I will be pushed to my limits by tantrums and fights and brought to my knees with hugs and kisses. I guess I really couldn't ask for more...

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